There has been such a change in the nature of my interaction with Yona as she has grown. She is now four months old, no longer the sleepy newborn who just eats and sleeps and poops. She is now a little baby who is aware of her surroundings, notices everything, and is engaging with the world. She sucks on her fingers. She laughs and gurgles. She expresses herself in many ways. She grasps and reaches. She can tell when I’m playing a game with her and plays along. She looks like she is gearing up to start rolling around in the near future. As I notice this and revel in it and enjoy watching all her new skills unfold so rapidly at this stage, I am also realizing that she is taking most of her cues from me. I notice this sometimes when I am doing something, like zerberting her tummy or tickling her or talking to her in a certain way. She looks at me and is realizing her cue to smile or laugh. It is super cute of course when she does smile or giggle, and much of my day is dedicated towards achieving this result. But it has occurred to me that she is starting to realize that I want her to laugh or smile, and that when she does so, she is making me happy. It does feel so good. But on the other hand, I want her to feel free to react and respond and behave in ways that are spontaneous and real and raw and true, and that make her happiest- not just the ones that please me. I am trying to stay conscious of my responsibility as her parent to help her, but not mould her, to become the person she is destined to be. This brings me to a book I’ve been reading lately that has been the subject of much discussion and also some discomfort in my mom’s group: Unconditional Parenting: Moving from Rewards and Punishments to Love and Reason, written by Alfie Kohn.
Its a challenging one, because the author is basically deconstructing very deeply rooted notions that I hold, along with many others, about discipline, and positive reinforcement. His theory is that some conventional techniques of parenting focus on techniques to get kids to behave the way that we want them to behave, usually in the spirit of getting short term results (e.g., your child listens to you in that moment, or ceases to engage in some type of activity or behaviour in that moment). We tend to use punishments and reward in a system of using timeouts and positive reinforcement, something which the author believes creates a dynamic of conditional love, which teaches kids that they are loved only when they are behaving the way we want them to, or creates a situation where they are internalizing our own values and ideals instead of developing their own.
Its a book worth checking out, and I’m still in the midst of doing so, so I won’t work through all of it here. But the process of reading this parenting book, and I’m sure I will feel similarly through all the books to come, just helps crystalize for me the enormity of what I- we- have taken on here. I am to Yona what my mother is to me. And all of the baggage and challenges and deep love and craziness and conflict and everything that is between my mother and I will be present between Yona and I when she is a grown woman, perhaps a new mother, who is reflecting on her childhood and on her relationship to me, her mother, and on my mothering skills.
I know I am going to make mistakes. No matter what parenting book I read, no matter what philosophies I follow, I will ultimately just do what every mother has done before me- try my best.
I need to hope that despite the inevitable up and downs that most mother-daughter relationships experience, my relationship with Yona will be rooted in deep love and respect and, I hope, humour and laughter.
We were at dinner tonight with friends. Yona was sitting on the lap of one of our hosts, my friend Sarah, when she started to cry. Sarah didn’t try to shush her. She just held her lovingly and said to her, “tell me all about it”. How beautiful.
Yona, you are yourself and I hope I will always have the ability to be present for you, to respect your individuality and listen to you- in good moments, in bad and everything that comes in between- and just let you be who you are. If we can achieve this, then I think we will be ok.
Sarah, I love reading your writing, you are very insightful and a very good writer. I read what that author says. I highly recommend the book “Kids are worth it” by Barbara Coloroso. Honestly though, I think it’s best to reread or review the books when you have a toddler or a child you have to discipline (not punish) becuase it’s easier to understand ht’s going on (although of course, it;s useful to read now to think about what you want to do). I haven’t read that book, but I have to disagree with that sentiment. Two year olds especially, developmentally are all about me, they see that world from heir own vantage point and they don’t intrinsically know right from wrong. They are trying to exert their independence from babyhood but don’t have all the skills yet to be independent. Kind of like a teenager
. When your kids is smacking their brother on the head with a toy, sometimes removing them from the situation to help them calm down and then you can talk about the best way to deal with the situation. you do have to teach them values and morals, not becasue you are controlling them to be just like you, but because empathy is something that develops and is learned from experince and observation. I have used time outs and I certainly don’t think my kids believe that I love them conditionally. You have to discipline properly. And of course, we all make mistakes and trust me there will be situations you will look back on and think, I should have handled that differently. You can always apologize though, and discuss what you did wrong and kids will learn that it’s ok to make mistakes as long as you own up to it and try to fix it. That skill is just as improtant as all the others we are trying to teach our children.
Having said all that, I think it’s great to read a variety of books and get lots of ideas and you and Mike will figure out what works for you, because one day that little beautiful baby will be having a screaming tantrum on the floor because he didn’t get the orange spoon (happened yesterday). did I mention how important humour and keeping your cool are?
You are so introspective and thoughtful in your parenting, it’s really wonderful for adorable little Yona. I do think you would love barbra coloroso’s books, she also has one called “just because it isn’t wrong doesn’t mean it’s right” also a good book about teaching your children values.
Keep writing!
Hi Sarah!
I’m enjoying your blog. I remember going through many of these same issues when Anna was a baby. There’s nothing quite like being at home with your first baby and experiencing all of this for the first time. The second time around, you are too busy juggling nap schedules and trying to keep your daughter from assaulting her new brother to dwell on all of these things (or maybe that was just me!).
I’ve never heard of the book that you mentioned here and I probably shouldn’t comment on it since I haven’t read it myself but I have to say that it seems a bit bizarre.
I agree with Sara that Barbara Coloroso has written some excellent books, with a lot of practical advice on how to deal with situations and how to raise children to be strong, self sufficient and to care for themselves and others. In her books, she talks about three different kinds of parents, one of them being brick wall parents. I suspect that those are the kinds of parents that Alfie Kohn is referring to in his book and Barbara Coloroso comes to similar conclusions that those kinds of parents. However, she also talks about different parenting styles and ways of using different methods to teach your children, not to punish them, but to teach them to make their own decisions. For example, she doesn’t see time outs as a punishment, she suggests that you use them to calm down or to help the child calm down so you can deal with the behaviour. Parents can take a time out too if they need to calm down and if the child needs to calm down they can choose where to sit (Couch, stairs, parent’s lap) to calm down. Once everyone is calm, the behaviour is dealt with. Anyways, you don’t need this kind of information now but I think she’s a great resource for when you are dealing with unreasonable 2 years olds or even more unreasonable, rude and aggressive 4 year olds. Not that I know anything about that….