little Nava is now 9 months old, a bright, blue-eyed smiling baby.  Our past four months have been full and busy.  Yona moved to part time at her daycare, I resumed being a student by enrolling in a course at U of T, there were trips to the zoo, science center, the children’s storefront, soccer, gymnastics, baby music classes and swimming galore.  there was the chilling of the air, the re-patriation of fall and then winter jackets. there was the re-gathering of beautiful mamas at Sasha’s every week for a collective exhale and embrace.  falling leaves, dwindling numbers of kids at dufferin grove park.  there were essays, course readings, final papers.

and there was planning.  lots and lots of planning as we prepared to move to Israel for a few months so I could complete a practicum for my public health degree at the new Faculty of Medicine of Bar Ilan University in Safed before returning back to work at the end of my maternity leave.   Hundreds of emails, internet searches, ads posted,and friends/acquaintences consultations later, I identified a practicum, we found a place to live in the Upper Galilee, we rented out our house in Toronto, packed everything up, got on a plane, rented a car, and now here we are.

Our first ten days here were spent adjusting and relaxing with family in Rehovot, Tel Aviv, Efrat and Jerusalem.  We slept in family homes, apartments, and even a caravan on a Yeshiva.   We have eaten very, very well.  Yona and Nava visited their Aunty Robin’s zoo, played on the windy beach, sampled offerings from the Israeli shuk, went for walks, grocery shopped, played.  On Sunday night we made the long drive to the north, arriving at our new home half way up a mountain too late to see the breathtaking view of Lake Kinneret and the  beautiful valley of the Galil below, but in time to inhale the crisp, cool air.

A few days later, I am now a working woman, carving out a work space for my self in a beautiful new expansive building which is still largely under construction, permeated by the smell of fresh paint, curlicues of wood shavings and plaster littering the floors which are then washed, it seems, ten times a day.

After ten days of holidaying, with little routine, late bedtimes and sleep ins, and virtually no other contemporaries to play with, we could tell Yona was needing a little structure and definitely some playmates.  The area we are living in is a quiet, new suburban community and we haven’t really met any young families there yet.  We are quite close to a small town called Rosh Pina and when visiting the matnas (community center) there, we discovered a weekly ballet class is held on Tuesday evenings and we were invited to come try it out.

I had my first meeting with my supervisers that day, and got a lift down the mountain to the matnas.  There I found Yona sitting serenely, in a pink shirt and tights, amongst a sea of similarly dressed Israeli girls, hair in a pony tail.  She couldn’t understand anything the teacher was saying, but was enthusiastically participating, taking visual cues from the other kids, running around delightedly with a huge smile on her face.

It was adorable. She loved it.  We signed her up for weekly classes.  For a few minutes, when the ballet class ended and the room was suddenly filled with little girls and their siblings and parents it felt like we were part of a community of young families.

So then we undertook the next challenge is finding a gan yeladim (literally translated into a garden for children, its the Israel version of preschool) for Yona.  In some parts of this country, we’d have a lot of resources to work with (friends, family who know the area, know people, who could ask on our behalf) but up here, we are on our own.  It seems that getting into a city run daycare is challenging when you aren’t a permanent resident or citizen, and there is one private subsidized daycare in our neighbourhood.  The people who rented our place to us spoke the the Ganenit (woman in charge of the gan), and Yona and Mike visited it yesterday.

We talked it over with Yona, who said she wanted to try it out, but when we arrived this morning, she was teary and overwhelmed.  I whispered into her ear, “let’s give it a try.  it will just be for a little while.  let’s see if you like it.  you might have fun!” We went in together, Yona full of trepidation, into the small room filled with children chattering in Hebrew and lovely teachers who speak only a little bit of English.  The scene was a bit chaotic.  Kids moving in closer, gathering around.  Yona turned to me, eyes full of tears, and said, “Mommy, stay.  Stay with me, Mommy!”.  My heart was full for her.

How overwhelming it must be to enter into the unknown, to not understand the language, to let go of your anchor and allow yourself to face your fears.  Actually, I know exactly how that feels.  I feel the same way here, starting work in a new place, sitting in on meetings, grasping only about 20% of what is being said in rapid fire Hebrew, throngs of medical students I don’t yet know laughing and chattering around me while on break from classes.   I’ve haven’t yet taken the bus because I am having a hard time making sense of the bus route I found online and yesterday I ordered a substandard sandwhich because it was the only thing I understood on the menu at the snack kiosk.

So back to Yona.  I took off her jacket and hat, and she fell into my arms, crying.  Language barrier aside, we could feel loving energy from both the teachers and students who gathered around, concerned for Yona, wanting to alleviate her sadness.  I led her to the crafts table.  One student handed her a paper, the other a tree shape to trace, the other some crayons.  Yona got to work.  After a few moments, I asked her how she was doing and she said she was feeling a little better.  I promised her that Daddy would be back soon to check on her.  And then she did what she does at night when she resigns herself to going to bed.  She turned her face to me, lips puckered to give me a goodbye kiss.

Then: “mommy, I want to push you out the door!” A residual ritual from her beloved home daycare.  She gave me a little push.  The teachers and kids clapped for her.  I went towards the door. Looking back at her, I could see her at the table, lip quivering, eyes teary, but forming the resolve to stick it out.  My eyes filled with tears for her- my brave little soul, facing her fears, terrified and probably lonely.  Her teacher, seeing my face, gave me a reassuring hug as I slipped out the door.  I walked to the car, tears streaming down my face, so touched and inspired by Yona’s courage and strength.

Israel work weeks are 6 days (Sunday to Friday) but many people, including my colleagues here, don’t work on Friday because of the Jewish Sabbath.  Tomorrow is Friday and we plan to go on a little tiyul (outing) to explore our beautiful surroundings.  We are in this together, Mike, Nava and I and Yona- our brave and resilient trouper.

it is almost five months later since nava was born and summer has given way to a cooler autumn. school has started again, wading pools and splash pads are closed, and yona just left for school wearing a jacket. time flies.

we had a beautiful, beautiful summer. the weather was unbelievable, hot, perfect (i can say that because we finally installed air conditioning. otherwise i would be complaining about the unbearable heat and humidity and the fact that we had to evacuate for half the summer to one of our parents’ houses in the ‘burbs). we moved yona to part-time at her daycare. we spent lots of time out of the city, at cottages in muskoka and prince edward county, and even managed our first camping trip with friends. more on that in a future post. we visited the zoo, riverdale farm, high park, strawberry picking, blueberry picking, wagon rides, going everywhere with a packed swimsuit and towel.

and yona turned three. yup. i can’t believe it either. we celebrated with several festivities- a family party, a daycare party, and a party for friends in the park. the latter was our most successful party to date, as i have begun to realize what goes into a good kids’ bday. last year we hired kids’ musicians to come to the park to do a music class for half an hour- it was cute, but expensive, and unnecessary- we were already in a great playground and kids know how to make their own fun. last year we had an afternoon party which was nice, but our strategy this year was to gather in the morning, when kids tend to be their best selves, and which tends not to conflict with too many nap times. and we did t-shirt decorating! the kids loved it, the t-shirts became the loot bag, and it was a great activity for the older and younger kids. a bit messy though but that’s mostly why it’s so fun. finally, we had the party at an awesome new playground midtown which seemed to be a nice compromise location for all our non-downtowner family and friends. we topped it all off with ice cream cone cupcakes which is my new favourite version of bday cake (more details to follow). now we are planning to pick up yona’s present- two goldfish- later today. which reminds me that mike and i will need to figure out how to inevitably explain mortality to yona in the coming weeks or months when one or both of those suckers bite it.

yona is starting some organized activities now- outdoor soccer, gymnastics, swimming. it’s fun to watch but difficult to see her confidence get shaky when she tries something new and can’t quite do it. mike says he can relate,that as a kid he wasn’t that coordinated and as a result, his experience with sports was a mixed bag. i know that kids need to experience challenges and failures but it is still painful to see yona struggle through that. though blissful when she gets something or is enjoying herself. i am no tiger mama. for me, as long as she tries something i don’t care if she is great at it or not.

in other news, little nava is small but mighty. she’s little, but strong, and has started to giggle (cutest sound ever), play with toys, and learning to sit. she has big blue eyes which follow me around everywhere, and there is no question right now that i am her one and only, the centre of her universe, the love of her life. this is a great feeling. occasionally, it would be nice if she enjoyed the company of others but we will get there. before you know it, she’ll take a page out of her sister’s book and will start telling me to go away or even call me, as yona did the other week, a “miserable fungus” (no i am not even kidding. where she got that from i have no idea). so i am enjoying nava’s adoration and am trying to drink in her babyhood and enjoy every second. how did five months fly by so quickly? (by the way, now typing with one hand as nava is now sleeping on me and firmly still latched on).

as for me, i felt surprising normal after nava came along. i healed way faster this time, and after a little while, i felt pretty comfortable going out on my own with both kids. i felt together and organized and accomplished and was cooking and baking, cleaning up occasionally, like some sort of strange postpartum domestc goddess. it’s amazing how quickly one can fall back into the groove of nursing, nighttime wakeups, diaper changing, learning and responding to the cues of little people who can’t yet use their words.

that is until recently. for some reason, i know longer feel together, organized or able to accomplish that much. i am exhausted by 8 pm, ready to fall asleep in yona’s bed. i am back in school, just one class, already behind on my readings by the second week. we are still planning to move overseas for 4 months in the new year, but haven’t really planned out too much yet. sometimes life feels really overwhelming. it feels familiar and different. going for hours, sometimes a day, with forgetting to pee, wearing clothes stained with food and spit up, walking everywhere with my baby in the carrier, hair up in a perpetual ponytail. on a good day, i have brushed my teeth, brushed my hair, and have remembered to put on deodorant.

i re-joined my mom’s group with sasha again, with other mama friends who are also on number 2. ah. that group is like therapy. i just let myself unload my anxiety and tears and no longer care that doing so will expose my vulnerabilities, my imperfections. the love and empathy with which it was received just help fill my soul. i love you, mamas.  it feels so good to unload.

in a much lighter vein, i got an ereader. it sounds kind of frivolous but i think this is a great invention for nursing mamas or anyone on the go. it fits into my fanny pack (yes i now wear a fanny pack) and my course readings and some books are on there. i can easily hold it in one hand
and am loving it. and i got a haircut. sometimes it’s the little things.

one thing i have realized this week, after feeling like, as one mama friend put it, i hit a wall and slid down, with ooze marks, into a temporary puddle on the floor: i don’t want to be supermom. a lot of people have said to me, because of school, work, homebirthing, having yona home 2 days a weeks, mothering two girls, getting out and about, because i look semi-together to the average outsider, that i am some sort of a super mom. no thanks. i don’t want that title. too much pressure. i am a mama, struggling with regular mama things, sometimes feeling great and sometimes not so much. generally really happy with my lot and feeling uber blessed. imperfect parent. uncertain about how to manage work-life balance, childcare, logistics. in a great partnership with someone who is on my team and in it with me. (i love you, mike). but no supermama. there’s a movie out now, which i haven’t seen, called “i don’t know how she does it” (i think it’s based on a book). I don’t know how anyone does it- childcare, picking your kids up from school when school ends at 3:30 but work ends at 5.  keeping the house a non-disaster zone.  i don’t want to/can’t just get it all done, i want to enjoy it and remain present in my life. i’m sure
every mom out there struggles with this. i would love to hear from you.

It drives me a bit nutso when people ask me, “is she a good baby?”, because really, all babies are “good” and that is usually how I respond.  I think what people are really asking is whether she cries a lot, sleeps well, eats well.  Using these things as a measure, I would say little Nava is a peaceful girl.  She nurses like a champion- so often in fact, that I am shocked that she is physically smaller than Yona was at the same age.  She has been gaining weight well but is still a little one.  She also has blue eyes and blondish/reddish hair, fair skin.  So different from her sister.  How amazing that children can be so different in those ways.

In other ways, there are similarities.  Both born exactly at 37 weeks, at home.  The passionate screaming hatred of the car seat and driving, for another- but unfortunately for Nava, sometimes she doesn’t have a choice.  She hates being put down, like Yona.  she calms down when swaddled, like Y.    She is a pretty good sleeper at night…after nursing most of the evening, she can sleep for longer stretches at nighttime, which I am grateful for.

As for differences, Nava is much calmer than I remember Yona being.  I remember Yona embodying that typical newborn-three month caricature of a crying, screaming, colicky baby who is dealing with the shock of having exited the womb and doesn’t get past the shock until 3 or 4 months.  There was a lot of aggressive shushing and many, many deep knee bends with Yona.  I lost an insane amount of weight in a very short period of time with her because we were always on the move.  I always joked that I had wished I had used a pedometer to measure the thousands and probably millions of steps and kilometers I walked with Yona during our year together.  Maybe Nava’s calm nature is the reflection of a calmer parent- which I certainly am the second time around.

Nava is pretty relaxed.  she loves cuddling, nursing, cuddling while nursing.  Her serious, pensive face was replaced around 6 weeks by a bright eyed, smiling little face.  she looks around avidly, taking it all in.  she is interested in that amazing  creature we call Yona, whose face is always pressed right up against Nava, cooing, joking, poking, prodding, and endlessly, ceaselessly chatting.    She has a goofiness to her.  She has a temper too- when she is displeased, we know it.  but she is easily calmed down, usually, and I find that right now, it is pretty easy to go about my day or to do my regular activities with Yona, as long as Nava is strapped to my torso.

It is amazing to me that Nava seems easy.  Thankfully, she is healthy, and there have been no difficulties to work through in terms of nursing and colic.  We are so lucky and blessed for this.   When Yona was Nava’s age, she terrified and overwhelmed me in many ways.  I was nervous, and consumed by so many details and struggles around vaccinations, diapering, nursing, sleeping, our parenting approaches…you name it.

Now, Nava as a newborn (I can still call her a newborn, right?) seems pretty straightforward.  Yona as a toddler is the challenging one- the meltdowns, the constant negotiations over everything, the endless energy and need for entertainment.  She’s also more fun, though now that Nava is increasingly interactive, she is getting pretty fun too.  My friends and family laugh about this.  How could we have thought it so difficult last time around?  Newborns are easy!  Easy to say- this time there is no enormous transformation into parenthood, the identity crises, the re-entry into the world post-birth with baby.  There is of course re-adjustment as our family dynamic has changed from three to four.  Yona has had to work through and is working through the challenges and frustrations of having our attention divided, of Nava’s needs occasionally interfering with playtime or bed time.  

I’m a lot less worried about the details this time around.  I am focused more on what works practically for me and us and less on what I think I “should” be doing (cloth diapering as an example hasn’t worked so well for me this time around).  I care much less about stuff (the second time around you realize how little stuff you really need, and how much you can borrow from others).   And besides that one time at 10 days old when I took Nava to her pediatrician because I was terrified that Yona had given her some sort of dreadful disease, I’ve been pretty relaxed about things, including crying.  I try not to let Nava cry a lot, but occasionally, I have to put her down for a minute to do something- like get dressed or pee- and when she cries, I know that she will be ok.

Unfortunately, I am close with a few families whose babies have experienced serious health challenges and who continue to struggle.  I know how lucky we are.  I am overwhelmed by my feelings of gratitude for Nava and Yona’s good health and development.

The last eleven weeks have been sweet. I’ve enjoyed re-entering the subculture of mommies who are off with their babies walking around the neighbourhood endlessly, the world of mom groups and mom gatherings and knowing mom-smiles to other mommas you see outside and in the park.   Unlike her sister, who was born as summer turned to fall, Nava was born in spring time and having a spring/summer baby is glorious.  We are always outside. She is usually dressed in a thin onesie or dress.  Emotionally, it is so much nicer to be a newborn mom when it is glorious outside.   Not only for myself, but for the world.  I notice how many people on the street, subways, in parks, and stores perk up when they see Nava.  Babies do a heart good.

I’ve noticed I haven’t really turned off completely this time around.  I am still speaking to colleagues, still aware of what is going on at the office, still thinking about school, still making plans for the fall and for the practicum which I hope to complete this winter.  The brain is still working this time.

Until this week, Yona was in daycare full time.  This allowed Nava and I some slow, lazy and unstructured days.  We napped most mornings, went on walks, or shopped, met friends, or relaxed in the afternoons.  For a while Mike was doing pick ups and drop offs at the daycare, and I had a lot of time to just settle in to maternity leave.  Recently, however, as I have become increasingly mobile and comfortable with both girls at once, I decided I’d like Yona to move to part time care.  Financially, it makes a difference.  But more importantly, it is summertime, I am off work, and there is so much fun stuff to do.  So for two extra days during the week, it is Yona, Nava and I out in the world.  It is a new development- we’ve only has 2 days alone together so far- but it has been good.  We went strawberry picking earlier this week, and to the Children’s Storefront yesterday.  We’ve spent hours at the park, splashpads, monkey bars, farmer’s markets.  We spent Canada Day weekend at my folk’s cottage in Muskoka, where Yona spent many blissful hours jumping into the lake (“one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, four to go!”), playing in the sandbox, reading books. My mom,  who is a high school teacher, is off for the summer right now.  The other day, she watched Nava while I did my first real yoga class in over a year.  I am looking forward to a summer of playdates, more time at the cottage, day trips to places like the zoo, riverdale farm, high park, every splash pad reasonably near our home, berry and apple picking, farmer’s markets. 

Life is sweet.  I am lucky.

It was early spring, in the middle of the Jewish holiday of Passover, when I was in my office wrapping up a few things before going home for the weekend.  It had been a really hectic few weeks.  I was in the middle of transitioning my work to the person who was taking over my department for my mat leave, as well as training a new staff member who had just joined the organization.  I had lost a week of productivity because of my appendectomy (see previous post) and we were all getting a little frantic, trying to wrap up all the loose ends and go over all of the details before my last day.  my “to do” list was programmed into my blackberry, and I was slowly working through it.  I had been participating in conference calls from my couch during my recovery, had crammed my remaining workdays with meetings, and was often still working into the night.  On top of that, I had a couple of school assignments to finish, and we were trying to find time to clear out all of the stuff out of our home office, which was to be the baby’s room.  So of course, as I was wrapping up in my office that Thursday afternoon, I was hoping for a little time to get everything done.  And then…

I felt something.  I thought that maybe, just maybe, my water had broken but wasn’t sure.  When you are pregnant, it can be a fine line between your water breaking and just being incontinent.  Just in case, I gathered up a few personal things from my desk to bring home and got ready to leave.   I said goodbye to my colleagues but didn’t say anything when they said, “see you next week!” except, “see you then!   have a great weekend!”.    I got into the car and drove to the hardware store (we were painting our hallway and had run out of paint).  In the parking lot, I called Mike.  I could hear some slight panic in his voice as I explained the situation to him.  He had a ju jitsu grading that night and wasn’t sure what he should do.  I told him to go.  Then I paged my midwife.  When she called back, I explained what was going on.  She gave me some advice and recommended that in a few hours I should stop by the clinic if I thought I needed to so they could confirm what was going on.  Meanwhile,  I went into Lowe’s and got my paint, and then drove to the kosher bakery to pick up a kosher for passover birthday cake for my mother in law for our family dinner the following night.

I had had plans to pick up Yona from daycare and go over to my friend Sara’s parent’s place for a playdate with her little guy, Avi.  Sara is my oldest friend and was visiting from San Francisco.  I called her, explaining what was going on and she immediately decided that she would come down to me.   Sara, her husband Chai & Avi stayed and played with Yona while I went to see my midwife.   Aimee, my midwife, confirmed that it was my water.  We talked a little bit about how to move forward (I was still technically one day away from 37 weeks which is considered full term which meant that if I went into active labour I may have to go to the hospital) and agreed that I would go home and call her when my labour was active. 

I got home, feeling excited, nervous, thrilled.  I called Mike and told him to come home.  Chai took Avi home, but Sara stayed.  She helped with Yona, giving her dinner.  She did laundry, washing all of the little newborn sleepers and outfits that I had put aside but hadn’t washed yet.  She cleaned and organized our bedroom, helping me put the plastic sheet on the bed and organize all the home birth supplies which I had thankfully picked up the day before.  We went through the list to see what was still missing, and when Mike got home, Sara went out to pick up diapers, and all the extra things we needed.  She ended up staying all night. 

When I had put Yona to bed earlier, I explained to her that I thought the baby might come while she was sleeping.  She was excited.  Mike explained that she might hear some noises and that would mean that mommy was working hard to help the baby come down.  I thanked her for showing me how amazing it is to be a mommy.  I lay down with her as she fell asleep.  I was so happy she was there.  I had always wanted her to be there during my labour, even if she slept.  I felt like her presence would make me stronger, would help me remember what it was all for.

I tried to rest.  I felt some contractions but they were inconsistent and not too strong.  This continued for a while until my active labour began around midnight-ish.  The midwives arrived at 1:30.  I was tired, so tired.  My pregnancy had given me a lot of sleepless nights, and it happened that the night before, I had only gotten about 2 hrs of sleep.  My contractions were strong.   I couldn’t speak anymore.  I tried to fall asleep in between.  This lasted for a while until I said to Aimee that I wanted things to move faster.  She explained to me that we needed to try different positions to try and move things along.  In order for my labour to progress, I was going to need to really work with the intensity, and was going to need to try and help the baby descend.  She had me walking around, sitting on the toilet.  One of the midwives made me sweet tea to boost my energy.  At some point I was in the bathtub, at another just leaning against the bathroom wall.  Mike was supported me throughout.  I had forgotten how this felt.  I tried to focus on the image of the baby slowly moving down.  I tried to will the baby to descend.  I was moaning, trying to breathe through everything.  The outside details were blurry.  Aimee and Mandy, my midwives, were monitoring the baby’s heartbeat. they tried to have me drinking continuously- gatorade, tea.  At a certain point, I threw up.  I felt as though I was losing steam.  Aimee talked me through it.  She reminded me that it had only been a few hours.  She encouraged me to “let them (the contractions) be big”.  She and Mandy and Michael praised my breathing, and kept telling me how well I was doing.  They called Claire, the third midwife, so she could be there when the baby arrived. 

Getting to the point of being ready to push felt harder this time.  With Yona,  my waters had never broken.  At some point, after I  had been in active labour for 5 or 6 hours, the midwives broke my water for me and I remember that very quickly after that, my labour progressed and I had the urge to push almost immediately. It felt like something I had little control over, something that just happened. This time, it felt that I had to work with my body to get to the point of pushing, and it felt so so intense.  I felt that I was getting so close.  I wondered how I could keep going.  it felt as though it was lasting so long.  I saw the clock, saw that it was 5:30 am, and thought about how yona would be waking up soon.   I asked for a birthing stool.  Claire had one in her car…she ran to get it.  Yona woke up while I was labouring on the birthing stool. Mike went into to her room with Sara.  Sara took her down for breakfast,.  they made little faces in yona’s yogurt with fruit and sara kept talking non stop to distract yona from my intensifying moans upstairs.  Soon after labouring on the birthing stool I felt this primal sensation take over, bringing me low to the ground and unleashing a voice inside of me that took over, growling while i hung off of Mike.  Aimee urged me back over to the bed to get ready to push.  I wasn’t wearing my glasses at this point…the room was blurry.  the urge to push felt so intense and pushing took so much energy that my eyes were closed.  in my mind i could see the babies head appearing and then disappearing as I pushed, like a small stone visible every time a wave washed over it.  it was so close, it just need to complete that one final passage.  someone urged me to put my hand down to feel the baby’s head.  I felt it- a soft wet being beginning to emerge.  my eyes still tightly shut, trying so hard to focus focus focus.  a burning sensation.

then Aimee talking me through, telling me when to slow down, how to breathe, as she helped ease the baby’s head through.  And then, with a rush, out with the baby who was suddenly resting on my bare chest and belly.  Joyful sobs overtook me…I couldn’t stop crying.  The baby was lying on my belly.  Mike checked- a little girl!  A new life had entered the world.  We called Yona in right away.  Sara led her in with Mike.  She was wide eyed, excited, entering our room with a little trepidation- her weeping mommy, naked on the bed with a wet little creature covered in vernix on top of her, and three midwives busily taking care of me and the baby must have been a lot to absorb- but came right to me and all she could say was, “she came out!  I didn’t know she was going to come out but she came out!  I am so happy!”  She watched, interested, as the baby started to nurse and as my placenta was delivered.  Once we were all cleaned up and the baby swaddled, we sat Yona on the bed and she held the baby for the first time.   Sara made breakfast for everyone.  When everyone had cleared out, I crawled into bed.  It was morning, and I was exhausted from the long night’s journey.  The phone was ringing, Mike was with yona downstairs.  Sara tucked me in, holding the swaddled baby as I drifted off.  Glorious sleep.

Nava Aviv (Hebrew for “lovely spring”)  Zelcer Noble was born at 6:58 am on April 22nd on the same bed in the same room of the same house as her big sister Yona.    Welcome to the world, my precious child.  I am filled with gratitude for the blessings in my life.  I am so grateful for Michael,  my partner, my co-parent, my support.  I am so thankful for  the support of our midwives.  I felt so supported during the birth and am so appreciative of the way Aimee guided me through.  I am filled to the brim with gratitude and joy that my oldest friend in the world Sara was present for this profound event and her presence gave us all strength and so much support.  I am so grateful for my body that once again proved that it knows what to do and am grateful that I found the strength inside of me to let it.  Most of all, I am grateful for the blessing of two beautiful and healthy little girls.   My little girls.

this pregnancy has flown by, though at the same time, I feel as though I have been pregnant for about 1000 years.  In the last few months and weeks, as my belly grows ever larger (I keep thinking that’s impossible but somehow it keeps growing), I find myself looking at Yona and thinking back to her birth and I can’t believe I’m about to have another baby!  Yona is now this little chatty person, talking non-stop, potty-trained, with a great sense of humour, and a really funny and goofy personality.  I wish Mike and I could just repeat everything we did with Yona and apply it to Baby #2 because everyday, we have an exchange that goes something like this:

Mike:  “I love this little girl.”

Sarah: “I know, she’s so awesome.”

Mike: “She is so funny, and brilliant, and clever!”

Sarah: “I know, I can’t believe we made her.”

Just kidding.  even though we really do say these things to each other, we know that as much as we want to celebrate our unbelievable parenting skills, Yona’s amazingness is mostly just luck and those magical, inexplicable qualities that make us all unique individuals which make Yona so incredible.  Sometimes I wonder how I will have the capacity to feel the same way about another human being the way I do about Yona, and then I remember feeling those same reservations before Yona came along, and even after she was born- they contributed to the process of us getting to know and love each other, watching her grow, experiencing our own growth as parents, all three of us in a continuous journey of change.  We have such a nice dynamic, the three of us, which is about to change.  we will all need to redefine what our family looks like, and will each need to incorporate this new little member into our fold, individually and collectively.  Yona will be a big sister, and Mike & I will suddenly have two children.  So hard to believe but at the same time we are incredibly excited.

so Mike and I have nicknamed the last trimester the “Oymester” because literally everytime I sit down, stand up, or extend myself physically in any way, I say “Oy!”.  (Even if you are not Jewish or familiar with Yiddish, you should adopt the word “oy”.  it’s very satisfying).  This week the Oymester has taken on a whole new meaning.  We had a beautiful day on Saturday in the sunshine- I even went on a bike ride with Mike and Yona to the Wychwood Barns (though I couldn’t make it up that Christie hill!).  On Sunday morning, very early, I woke up with abdominal pain and couldn’t get comfortable.  I initially thought I might have had the flu, but as the day went on, I realized the pain seemed to be really acute and localized to one spot.  eventually, we made our way to the hospital, and after many hours in the emergency ward, some courses of antibiotics, an IV and a few ultrasounds, it was confirmed that the pain was from an inflamed appendix.  Before we knew it, we were told I would need to get my appendix out, which also meant I needed to be transferred to another hospital with an Obstetrics ward because having an appendectomy also meant a risk of preterm labour.

At 34 weeks, the baby is luckily far enough along that one can feel reasonably confident that it will be ok if it needs to be born early.  but i really didn’t feel ready for that and mike and I both hoped that everything would go well and this baby would stay inside a little longer.  Suddenly we found ourselves having conversations about what we would need to do if the baby came that night, what needed to get done, who we should call, what we would do with yona.  then the anxiety- would i need a c-section?  how would have a premature baby affect nursing?  what about work?  what about school?

thankfully, i was transferred to sunnybrook and eventually (at 4 am!) was wheeled into the OR, where my very inflamed-about-to-burst appendix was removed and thankfully, Baby Zelcer Noble is perfectly fine.  I had to stay in the hospital until Tuesday evening in the high risk obstetrics ward, but little baby was great the whole time.  My midwives have privileges at Sunnybrook and they were super supportive. 

So now my Oymester has reached a whole new level, as just the act of coughing, sneezing, getting up, lying down, and walking are much more painful.  it seems to be easing up day by day and my hope is that little Baby stays in there for a while until I have my strength back for labour. 

What an unexpected series of events but hopefully we will have smooth sailing over the next little while until life changes…again.

Happy New Year!

I can’t believe it is 2011.  This month marks the eleventh year since Mike and I got together, the sixth year of our marriage, and entering the third year of being parents to the amazing life force that is Yona.  This is also the year of the birth of our second child, who I have been started to feel swimming around in my belly.  I’m about 22 weeks now.  We don’t know if this baby is a boy or a girl, although I had a very vivid boy dream last night.   Feeling very grateful for the blessings in my life.

We just emerged from the holiday break.  My office was closed and I kept Yona out of daycare for the week.  We had a full and busy holiday of activities- we went to the Science Center, the ROM, and Yona saw her very first play- Free to Be You and Me- at a small community theatre near our ‘hood.  We also had lots of playdates, time with family, time together.    Some big transitions to report- Yona stopped nursing!  Its probably more accurate to say that I stopped nursing her, because I am sure that if it had been left to her, I would be nursing two kids come May.  That idea didn’t feel super appealing to me, and I was realizing that I had exited the stage of enjoying nursing.  So I decided to wean her.  We had already instituted an “evenings only” policy last November, and there were even some days when Yona wouldn’t ask to nurse at all. Mike and I talked about it, and a friend suggested launching the initiative with a Big Girl Party.    So Yona & I went to the store and she picked out a Big Girl cup, and we made (healthy) cupcakes together for her Big Girl Party, which we held with her cousins a couple of weekends ago.   These strategies were great, but we still had a number of days when Yona would ask to nurse and I would tell her no, and she would cry.  I found this hard.  I can only imagine how strange it must be to have open access to nursing for your whole life (what a comforting thing nursing must be!) and then suddenly have it stopped.  But I also knew that I was ready for this stage to end, and that my body was craving a break before starting over again with Baby #2 in a few months.  After a few days, Yona mostly stopped asking.  When she does ask, she does it jokingly, knowing I will say “no, you silly girl” and we will cuddle or play together instead.  So- thus ends the last physical connection I had to newborn Yona.   It feels bittersweet but right.

Other Big Girl transitions include the great adventure of Potty Training.  Yona’s been using the potty for a while now, but has also been in diapers.  She has been really wanting to wear underwear for a long time and we got her some.  She was so excited and proud to wear it and wore it to school yesterday.  Four changes of clothes later…let’s just say it is still a work in progress but I am proud of her.  It’s super sweet how excited she is about it, and she insisted on taking all ten pairs of new underwear with her to school for “Show and Share”.

And….discipline.  I’ll be the first to admit I’m not the best disciplinarian.  First of all, I find it really hard not to laugh sometimes.  I also don’t really believe in being too strict…Mike & I don’t want to impose too many rules or restrictions on her. She’s a fun loving, good kid and sometimes gets silly.   But we both agree that Yona needs our help establishing certain boundaries, and we know we want her to be a person who is considerate of others, understands the importance of sharing, and knows that aggressive or violent behaviour is not acceptable.   So when she started hitting and kicking (mostly me) lately, we decided to explore some strategies for setting some limits and curbing certain behaviours.    A long time ago, I published what was apparently a controversial post about a book called Unconditional Parenting by Alfie Kohn.  I still think Alfie offers a lot of food for thought.  My sister in law recommended a few parenting books on empowering kids to make good choices by Barbara Coloroso and Alyson Shafer to check out, which I hope to do.     Anyways, my point is that we are now at the stage as parents where we have to seriously contemplate how we feel comfortable addressing Yona’s behaviour whenever she crosses the line to something we see as unacceptable (e.g., physical aggression).    So this has been a new learning curve for us and we’ve been spending a lot of time talking about it. 

We agree that we need to be consistent in our approach, and that our goal is to help Yona understand that certain behaviours are not ok, and to help her learn to consider other ways to express her emotions that are non-agressive, as well as to consider how her actions affect other people.  We also want to choose our battles but need to agree what is worth battling over.  We’ve disagreed a few times.  A couple of times, we’ve had Yona sit down in a quiet spot where we can see her and she can see us and have asked her to stay for a couple of minutes there.  After a little time has passed, we have a talk about why we asked her to sit down and what she thought about what she did- why did she do it, how does she think it made the other person feel?  So far we’ve only had to do this a few times and it seems to be resonating.  Fortunately, although Yona did go through a stage of multiple mini meltdowns each day, that doesn’t happen nearly as frequently lately, which has allowed us to have some good talks.   

I’m definitely not a parenting expert or a behaviour expert, but I do believe that parents know their kids better than anyone else, and while speaking to other parents and reading parenting books can help (a lot), often one’s approach will need to be tweaked to suit the unique needs of one’s kid while respecting basic societal norms and playdate/playground etiquette.  Plus, the decisions we make as parents around behavioural issues I’m sure are influenced by many things, including sibling relationships.  I can also see that some *strong opinions* exist amongst other parents on this topic.  After all, nobody wants to judge anyone else’s approach (or so they say) but they still will.  When kids socialize, I’m sure these types of issues come up all the time- what one parents designates as acceptable, another may not.  One parent’s approach to discipline or to praise, rewards, etc. might be very different from the approach of their kids’ playmate’s parent.   So we’ll see how it goes.  No doubt there will be new challenges and developments in this area with Yona and future kid(s) along the way.

So January is starting off well- a growing belly, a tired but happy Mama, a great dad, and a wonderful little Big Girl.    Happy new year, everyone!

A lot of new changes have unfolded in our lives.  Little Yona is now a senior toddler at her daycare, having turned 2 in September.  She is speaking in sentences, is as fierce and strong willed as ever, and is doing so many big girl things- choosing what she wants to wear, (occasionally) peeing in a potty, sitting at a little table instead of in a booster, sleeping in a toddler bed, putting her jacket on by herself.  She still does some little girl things too- like nursing!  My plans for weaning haven’t gone too well.  If anything, somehow she seems to be nursing more.  That is going to be a work in progress, I guess.  My big girl is as amazing as ever- spirited, funny, creative, and marching to the beat of her own drum.  She always has dirt smudged on her face, her socks never match, she refuses to put her hair in a ponytail.  She’s bossy, snuggly, nurturing to her baby dolls.  She loves books, loves painting, singing, dancing, playdough, her cousins and friends, and of course, eating!  she still has an awesome, satisfying budda belly and a very mischievous little smile.

Life has changed in other ways.  In September, I started pursuing a master’s degree in public health part time while continuing to work full time.  Life has gotten busier but I’m trying to take it slow.  I entered into the program feeling highly ambitious and very gung ho, planning how I was going to do it all- work full time, be a good mother, and earn enough credits per semester in order to finish my degree in 4 years.  Now I alternate between feeling motivated and terrified, wanting to push through until the end, and wanting to throw up my hands and give up.  Luckily, Mike has been amazing and supportive and encouraging, as have my work, family & friends.  I have no plans to give up but have decided I’m in no rush either.  This degree might take me the full six years allotted to part time students, but if so, so be it! Right now I’m take a half course that runs every 2 weeks until March, and an additional class each semester.

And finally, the biggest news- I’m pregnant.  I am just entering my second trimester now.   The reality is just starting to sink in…my growing belly, memories of my last pregnancy, revisiting with my midwife, re-reading the pregnancy books.  Its different this time around.  Much less time to focus on myself, much  less time to contemplate the growing little munchkin inside of me.  I have felt able to connect a few times, probably the most at my midwife’s office just before I turned 12 weeks, when Yona and I heard the baby’s heart beat for the first time.  In that moment, it was real.  in that moment, I became a mother for the second time.  Yona seems to get it.  I mean, its hard to know what she really gets or doesn’t, but for some reason, I think the concept of a baby growing in my belly makes perfect sense to her.  From the moment I told her, she told the world.  (note to future self, don’t tell toddler about pregnancy until you are officially ready to go public!)

It feels a little different this time around for other reasons.  Its hard to explain, but life feels a little more real now.  The good, the bad.  Since Yona’s birth, I feel like I have experienced so much evolution as a mother and a person.  I have also observed some important people in my life experience their own forms of transformation and evolution, some as a result of the immense challenges that come with caring for a child with special needs, or a child with a grave illness.  Observing these people has humbled me.   It has chastened me.  Life feels more precious.  I feel a little less certain that everything will always be ok.  I feel overcome with gratitude for what I have, I feel overcome with compassion for others who have no choice but to deal with what is every parent’s worst fear.  I am overwhelmed and humbled by the strength I see embodied in the mothers and fathers in my life who are facing this.

This might be part of the reason why I have been finding it hard to write lately.  Life has felt too real.  Its hard to process.  Its hard to write lightly and joke and talk about baby products and temper tantrums and everyday challenges that feel big but are really so small in the face of real life.  I have been wrestling a little bit with what I do want to say…I haven’t quite figured that out yet.

In the meantime, I am feeling excited and happy and lucky.  I feel powerful as I grow this little person inside of me.  I am overwhelmed when I contemplate the future- another mat leave, another intense period of sleep deprivation, and all of the physical and emotional experiences that accompany birth and caring for a new baby.  I have no idea- really, no idea- how we will manage with two.  I’m not sure how much childcare we can afford.  I’m not sure how I am going to fit school into everything.  But I am trying to inhale, exhale.  let each day come, unfold, end and please…let a new day begin.  Let the children in my life who are experiencing what no child should heal, strengthen, and grow.  Let their parents continue to find it in themselves to be strong and make it through.   Let us all be grateful for the life we have and the strength we can give those we love.

I was in Haiti last week.  I traveled there for work to visit our local partners and assess the impact of our support of local projects being implemented on the ground.  I am also designing a three year plan for continued support of an orphanage in an area called Gressier.  Visiting the orphanage touched my soul.  Those kids, some with the saddest eyes, have experienced much more than any child should.  The children at this particular orphanage, called the House of Hope, are luckier than many because they are housed, fed, clothed, educated, and most importantly, loved by an amazing woman who founded the orphanage and has dedicated her life to her 193 “children”.  But there are many luxuries which Yona experiences that these children don’t, and possibly never will.  Things like the ability to choose what you want to eat, when you want to eat it, and to snack.  Having a pediatrician who is in charge of her care and working with Mike & I to make sure we are helping her maintain a healthy lifestyle.  Clean drinking water.  a room to herself.  extended family and friends to love and support her.  A savings account in her name.  New toys. The list is endless.  Yona was born into a life of relative luxury.  I am so thankful that she will hopefully never experience the poverty and hardship that so many of the children at House of Hope do.   

Given what I do, and given my awareness of the fact that many people in this world live without, I am finding myself grappling with how to instill a certain sense of values in Yona.  I really want her to grow up conscious of the fact that she is lucky.  I don’t want her to feel she has to apologize for her good fortune in life, but I want her to understand that others have less, and that she should have an obligation, a desire to give back. She, quite normally, is going through a certain stage where everything is “mine!” and is just starting (semi reluctantly) to get into the concept of sharing.  I notice that we often present Yona with new things- new shoes, new clothes, new toys, gifts for her birthday.  What is her perception of these things?  Probably, in her mind, they just appear.  She doesn’t understand that getting new things is luxurious and that sometimes we have to measure “want” against “need”. 

 I’ve been starting to ask other parents how they instill these values in their children.  Some of the approaches I have heard and admired include a set of parents who gave their three girls a set amount of money each.  The girls were told they would be donating that money, and the parents worked with the girls to research organizations and projects and causes which they might like to support.  the girls took ownership over the task of giving and individually ended up making the decision of what they would each support.  That is really amazing to me.  Someone else told me that whenever they got a new toy, they chose something that they had and donated it to another child in need.  Some kids have pen pals.  The organization I work with encourages school children to write pen pal letters to Amerindian youth living in remote rainforest communities.  Some parents volunteer with their kids on street help programs, and some encourage their kids to donate their bar/bat mitzvah money.  All these approaches seem great.  I am sure that what will have the most impact will be for Mike and I to provide an example to Yona, to take time to have conversations with her about some of these issues.  She is going to start noticing more and more, for example, the fact that lwhile walking in our downtown neighbourhood we often pass by individuals who are clearly down and out.   I know she is young, but I eventually want her to be a kid who asks tough questions and thinks critically about issues.

I’m curious about what others think about how to instill a sense of empathy, critical thinking or obligation to one’s fellow human beings, in someone as young as Yona. Feel free to comment!

this year, september really will mean school again for me after a nine year absence.  september also means yona’s second birthday, and the start of her transfer into the senior toddler room.  of course, with every transition comes a mix of gratitude and ache, excitement for what lies ahead and sadness for what is changing.  i love and am grateful for the rapid fire changes and blossoming that is the life of a healthy and vibrant two year old.  yona is now becoming a big girl, and is hurtling forward in terms of growth and development and i can’t stop it.  i don’t want to stop it- i am excited by it- but i am a little mournful for certain things that are ending.

for example, i am beginning to actively try and wean Yona off of nursing.  she’s turning 2 next month and it is just feeling like the right time.  i’m glad that we’ve kept it up this long, and that both she and i have enjoyed this relationship.  i almost feel like it will be harder for me than for her when she finally does stop nursing completely.  from what i hear, in a matter of weeks or months after weaning she will have forgotten about nursing completely.  that thought makes me so sad because i will remember and will continue to treasure my memories of nursing her.  the intimacy of it, the closeness, the joy it brings her, the many, many hours spent snuggled together, day and night.  one day soon, these memories will fade for her and i, once again, will have to let go.

i’m also contemplating some new challenges that loom on the horizon.  starting to think about things that are still a ways down the road but should be contemplated…like nursery schools and swimming lessons and other little kid activities that yona might want to be enrolled in.  managing these things, these changes, yona’s changing needs with my life that is only going to get busier as I take on the challenge of pursuing a master’s degree while continuing to work full time.

also contemplating the challenge of dealing with the outside influences in Yona’s life and observing how they are affecting and changing her.  her relationships with family members, her cousins, her friendships.  her growing awareness of herself and her frequent frustration with big and little things and the challenge of figuring out how to assert herself and express herself in the world. 

Occasionally, something will pop out of her mouth which makes me realize that she is listening to everything that everyone around her says….and repeats it.  she started saying “oh god” and “oh goodness” and “shoot”.  At daycare, they claim that one day they asked her what was in her diaper and she responded, sweetly, “shit!”  Mike & I were mortified because- WE SWEAR- that although we have probably said “shit” in front her before, we have never used it in that context.  So where did she learn that?  Were they sure she wasn’t just saying “shirt”?  they say they are sure.    Last night, when reading her a book before bedtime, the two of us were giggling over something when Yona pointed at me and said “You’re rude!”  Again, I was aghast.  Earlier in the week I had complained to the manager of the junior toddler room because I had heard one of the substitute caregivers saying loudly to one of the kids “I want you to stop being rude RIGHT NOW!”  which I felt was really an inappropriate way to speak to a two year old.  Did Yona learn the word “rude” from her?  Had she been the victim of that type of inappropriate tirade too?  Or did she learn it from me because she heard me repeating the story multiple times to friends and family? does it matter?

at one time, yona was a little baby and spent all her time with me, pretty much 24/7.  I could control the information flow, control what she ate, monitor every interaction she had.  now, with growth comes freedom, and mike & I have let go a little more and accept that yona is her own person, navigating through the world with our help but also learning to negotiate her own relationships and draw meaning from the world.  its a beautiful thing actually.  a new challenge. 

oy vey.  Or to quote Yona, “Oh Bey”.

Bring on this next stage.  Bring on August, bring on September, birthday #2 and all of the changes that lie in wait.  We will roll with them and be overwhelmed by them and grateful for them.  life moves forward and so does my little girl.

Yona, almost 2!

time moves forward.  two days ago, my sister had a baby girl- Netta.  Netta is Hebrew for sapling, a tree that is about to bud.  They live in London Ontario and we traveled there yesterday to meet this newest little person in our lives.  my niece Sivan, Netta’s older sister, was holding this tiny swaddled bundle.  Sivan is my sister Shayna’s eldest- ten years old in a few weeks.  Netta is Shayna’s fourth baby.  Two little boys, Evan and Lior, followed in between.  I can’t believe it!  I remember so clearly bursting into a Montreal hospital room almost ten years ago to greet Sivan, at the time a tiny bundle herself.  My beautiful sister looked the same- she doesn’t seem to ever age.  but how is it possible that ten years have passed?

When I look at Yona now, the same feelings wash over me.  She is a little girl, a real little girl, who chatters endlessly and can recite the ABC and is starting to assert herself the way only a toddler can.  she wears jeans and tshirts, plays pretend with her baby doll, with a face that is constantly dirt smudged, a little imp, a fierce and independent and funny kid.  Almost two years old…21 months now.

Time passes.  When I was on mat leave with Yona, I started to get a strong sense that I needed to create some sort of shift in my life, that I needed to start making plans to grow my brain and expand somehow, branch into some new directions.  I wasn’t sure what this was going to look like…for a little while I contemplated delving more seriously into my art, for a little while I thought about becoming a teacher.  But I realized that I love what I do (international development) and that I could grow and strengthen that side of myself by going back to school.

It felt really intimidating.  At the time, I was having  a hard time managing regular showers and meals.  So, school?  How would that work with a baby?  But as the months passed, my baby started growing up.  Her needs changed.  Our lives shifted.  She began daycare, I went back to work.  Our lives slowly become more routine, more predictable in certain ways, and contemplating school suddenly didn’t seem quite as insane.

I applied in February and realized at the last minute that I needed to have a statistics course under my belt to be considered for the program.  I signed up for one online.  After I hit “confirm” I had a panic attack.  the idea of taking stats, or any kind of math, terrified me.  it was one of those subjects in school that had me throwing my textbooks across the room, the source of endless frustrating sessions with my math teacher-mother (who by the way, should win some kind of award for the endless amount of patience she had and has with me).  I almost backed out, calling Mike, saying that maybe this program wasn’t right for me after all.  It just seemed impossible.

Mike was calm, reassuring.  “It’s just one course,” he said.  “try.  you can get through it.  and if it doesn’t work out, its ok.  but just try.”

I started in March and wrote my final exam yesterday.  Somehow, I did it.  And not only did I do it, but I’m pretty sure I am going to end up with a good grade.

It was intense.  A lot of work, often on weeknights when the last thing I felt like doing was homework, and often on weekend afternoons, when I much rather would have been hanging out with Mike and Yona.  But now its over.  Around a month or so ago, I got the letter in the mail.  An acceptance into a graduate program, a master’s of public health.  Exhilarating.  terrifying.

I’m going to keep working full time and attend school part time.  I’m not sure what it is all going to look like just yet. Going to school while working and mothering seems like a lot.  Definitely not convenient.   But when I really think about it, when will going back to school ever be convenient?

maybe when yona and any future siblings are grown.  but i don’t want to wait till then.  the time is now and I hope, I think, that one day Yona will be happy that she had a mom who went for it.  And I hope when it comes time for her to consider her hopes and dreams that she goes for them too.