it’s a wednesday morning and i have just finished slurping my lukewarm-turned-outright-cold coffee. nava has been nursed, breast milk has been pumped, eggs and toast gobbled, and nava is on her tummy time mat making her signature high pitched sounds which tell me my time is very, very limited before she loses it and needs to nap pronto.
it is almost five months later since nava was born and summer has given way to a cooler autumn. school has started again, wading pools and splash pads are closed, and yona just left for school wearing a jacket. time flies.
we had a beautiful, beautiful summer. the weather was unbelievable, hot, perfect (i can say that because we finally installed air conditioning. otherwise i would be complaining about the unbearable heat and humidity and the fact that we had to evacuate for half the summer to one of our parents’ houses in the ‘burbs). we moved yona to part-time at her daycare. we spent lots of time out of the city, at cottages in muskoka and prince edward county, and even managed our first camping trip with friends. more on that in a future post. we visited the zoo, riverdale farm, high park, strawberry picking, blueberry picking, wagon rides, going everywhere with a packed swimsuit and towel.
and yona turned three. yup. i can’t believe it either. we celebrated with several festivities- a family party, a daycare party, and a party for friends in the park. the latter was our most successful party to date, as i have begun to realize what goes into a good kids’ bday. last year we hired kids’ musicians to come to the park to do a music class for half an hour- it was cute, but expensive, and unnecessary- we were already in a great playground and kids know how to make their own fun. last year we had an afternoon party which was nice, but our strategy this year was to gather in the morning, when kids tend to be their best selves, and which tends not to conflict with too many nap times. and we did t-shirt decorating! the kids loved it, the t-shirts became the loot bag, and it was a great activity for the older and younger kids. a bit messy though but that’s mostly why it’s so fun. finally, we had the party at an awesome new playground midtown which seemed to be a nice compromise location for all our non-downtowner family and friends. we topped it all off with ice cream cone cupcakes which is my new favourite version of bday cake (more details to follow). now we are planning to pick up yona’s present- two goldfish- later today. which reminds me that mike and i will need to figure out how to inevitably explain mortality to yona in the coming weeks or months when one or both of those suckers bite it.
yona is starting some organized activities now- outdoor soccer, gymnastics, swimming. it’s fun to watch but difficult to see her confidence get shaky when she tries something new and can’t quite do it. mike says he can relate,that as a kid he wasn’t that coordinated and as a result, his experience with sports was a mixed bag. i know that kids need to experience challenges and failures but it is still painful to see yona struggle through that. though blissful when she gets something or is enjoying herself. i am no tiger mama. for me, as long as she tries something i don’t care if she is great at it or not.
in other news, little nava is small but mighty. she’s little, but strong, and has started to giggle (cutest sound ever), play with toys, and learning to sit. she has big blue eyes which follow me around everywhere, and there is no question right now that i am her one and only, the centre of her universe, the love of her life. this is a great feeling. occasionally, it would be nice if she enjoyed the company of others but we will get there. before you know it, she’ll take a page out of her sister’s book and will start telling me to go away or even call me, as yona did the other week, a “miserable fungus” (no i am not even kidding. where she got that from i have no idea). so i am enjoying nava’s adoration and am trying to drink in her babyhood and enjoy every second. how did five months fly by so quickly? (by the way, now typing with one hand as nava is now sleeping on me and firmly still latched on).
as for me, i felt surprising normal after nava came along. i healed way faster this time, and after a little while, i felt pretty comfortable going out on my own with both kids. i felt together and organized and accomplished and was cooking and baking, cleaning up occasionally, like some sort of strange postpartum domestc goddess. it’s amazing how quickly one can fall back into the groove of nursing, nighttime wakeups, diaper changing, learning and responding to the cues of little people who can’t yet use their words.
that is until recently. for some reason, i know longer feel together, organized or able to accomplish that much. i am exhausted by 8 pm, ready to fall asleep in yona’s bed. i am back in school, just one class, already behind on my readings by the second week. we are still planning to move overseas for 4 months in the new year, but haven’t really planned out too much yet. sometimes life feels really overwhelming. it feels familiar and different. going for hours, sometimes a day, with forgetting to pee, wearing clothes stained with food and spit up, walking everywhere with my baby in the carrier, hair up in a perpetual ponytail. on a good day, i have brushed my teeth, brushed my hair, and have remembered to put on deodorant.
i re-joined my mom’s group with sasha again, with other mama friends who are also on number 2. ah. that group is like therapy. i just let myself unload my anxiety and tears and no longer care that doing so will expose my vulnerabilities, my imperfections. the love and empathy with which it was received just help fill my soul. i love you, mamas. it feels so good to unload.
in a much lighter vein, i got an ereader. it sounds kind of frivolous but i think this is a great invention for nursing mamas or anyone on the go. it fits into my fanny pack (yes i now wear a fanny pack) and my course readings and some books are on there. i can easily hold it in one hand
and am loving it. and i got a haircut. sometimes it’s the little things.
one thing i have realized this week, after feeling like, as one mama friend put it, i hit a wall and slid down, with ooze marks, into a temporary puddle on the floor: i don’t want to be supermom. a lot of people have said to me, because of school, work, homebirthing, having yona home 2 days a weeks, mothering two girls, getting out and about, because i look semi-together to the average outsider, that i am some sort of a super mom. no thanks. i don’t want that title. too much pressure. i am a mama, struggling with regular mama things, sometimes feeling great and sometimes not so much. generally really happy with my lot and feeling uber blessed. imperfect parent. uncertain about how to manage work-life balance, childcare, logistics. in a great partnership with someone who is on my team and in it with me. (i love you, mike). but no supermama. there’s a movie out now, which i haven’t seen, called “i don’t know how she does it” (i think it’s based on a book). I don’t know how anyone does it- childcare, picking your kids up from school when school ends at 3:30 but work ends at 5. keeping the house a non-disaster zone. i don’t want to/can’t just get it all done, i want to enjoy it and remain present in my life. i’m sure
every mom out there struggles with this. i would love to hear from you.
sarah's space 